The Jimquisition

“While the strictly defined horror gameplay might not keep one hooked for hours-long sessions, The Outlast Trials’ style and atmosphere is worth several return journeys. It makes very few changes to the series’ usual stealthy scariness, yet the inclusion of three other players makes for a breezy version that’s pretty damn entertaining. Be aware that playing it alone makes everything take four times longer and isn’t particularly fun, but with even just one more player, some torture porny fun can be had.”

“Pacific Drive is one of those amazing games that I’ve fallen in love with despite it doing so much I’m inclined to loathe. It’s brilliant in its externalization of survival gameplay with a car that acts perfectly in its dual role of burden and bearer. Its humor, style, and a luxury assortment of modifier settings have kept me spellbound. I can paint my car pink. Game of the year contender.”

“Turnip Boy Robs a Bank is a very good thing. Adorable, silly, and quite funny indeed, this roguelite might be a big genre shift from its predecessor but it’s just as lovable. It hurries itself along a bit too much, but the fast pace of gameplay and swift progress at least ensures it never gets dull.”

“The “remastering” is of highly questionable value and the extra content is weak. No Return is a cheaply recycled and tawdry take on roguelite gameplay, while the Lost Levels were lost for a reason. Worse, such additions hammer a final nail into the coffin of this game’s creative ambition, definitively invalidating an already flimsy story with the kind of combat-focused experiences that communicate only one thing to the player - violent videogames are cool.”

“Gangs of Sherwood surprised me by rolling its credits a few short hours after starting, but it wasn’t the brevity I found surprising - it was the fact people were willing to attach their names to what they’d done. As much as I believe in due credit, if I’d have been involved with this game I’d have asked to remain anonymous.”

“Jurassic Park Classic Games Collection is really rather sad. It looks and feels cheap, the drought of available options is stark, and the fact they couldn’t even include save states or rewind options without being extremely frugal about it is audacious at the very least. To top it off, all six games - masquerading as seven - are garbage. Pure, utter garbage. Yes, even the ones you remember.”

“GameMill Entertainment continues its run of rushed, cheap, utterly contemptuous scam jobs. Yet another game where you can see how the developers at one point hoped to make something good until reality hit them in the face, forcing them to spray some vomit onto storefronts and call it a day.”

“Karmazoo is a wonderful cooperative puzzler that encourages wordless teamwork in a way that should lead to chaos but instead results in elegant simplicity - most of the time. With its cute sense of humor and even cuter character designs, there’s a huge amount of appeal in simply unlocking and trying new characters, of which there are many. A game about being polite to strangers is as twee as it sounds, and it’s a tweeness I’m absolutely here for.”

“It’s the kind of game that makes the case for some sort of independent trading standards body in the game industry. I say this with all due gravity - The Game Mill should not have been allowed to sell Skull Island: Rise of Kong. In an industry with adequate customer protections, it should be recalled.”

“RoboCop: Rogue City may not boast the high production quality of a top level “AAA” videogame, but it’s more fun and shows more sincerity than most of them put together. What it lacks in polish it more than makes up for in its provision of fuss-free action with immensely satisfying weaponry alongside the occasional glimmer of witty writing. It’s nowhere near as beautifully satirical as the film from which it sprung, but it’s still made with clear love for the original, as well as a ton of sincerity.”

“Sonic Superstars is the first decent mainline Sonic game since Sonic Forces (an objectively okay game as rated by civilized minds). A distilled descendent of the original lineage, Sonic Team’s rare display of restraint has resulted in a game that succeeds through the purity of its simplicity. However, the stark contrast of convoluted, tawdry boss fights offsets its positives significantly, contributing some truly offputting misery to an otherwise entertaining time.”

“Warhammer 40,000: Darktide has a solid foundation that just needs more built atop it. Slaughtering legions of Chaos freaks is fun for a while, and the in-game chatter between characters is surprisingly funny to the point I was invested far more than I otherwise would’ve been. Sadly, the unbalanced classes and poorly paced missions, plus a complete lack of incentive to play after hitting the level cap stop it short of what one wants from a horde shooter.”

“El Paso, Elsewhere does nothing new as a videogame - the whole point of it, in fact, is to do everything old. Despite revolving around the nucleus of a Max Payne homage and flatly refusing to flesh out the mechanics of a game from 2001, El Paso manages to transcend its skeletal concept thanks to an arresting presentation and brilliant story. Incredibly written with themes that speak to me on a deeply personal level, it compensates for its weaknesses as a game by simply being a brilliant piece of media.”

“Mythforce is shallow and inauthentic, hiding its creative mundanity behind the insincere promise of retro silliness. This lack of artistic integrity is matched by a lack of quality control, awkwardly bolted together as it is with unrefined controls, dreadful performance, and archaic gameplay. At its very best, we have a boring and bland dungeon crawler of a distinctly unrewarding stripe, but it’s almost always far worse than that.”

“This is a game that features the line, “It’s quieter than a mute nun’s pussy on Christmas,” and by the time you hear it you’ve been exposed to so much wildness it’s simply par for the course.”

“My Friendly Neighborhood offers a unique execution of a conceit that’s otherwise become trite among horror games. Taking the “spooky kiddy thing” idea and pulling it onto a framework built from equal parts BioShock and Resident Evil smartly separates it from the ocean of similar concepts in the genre, even if none of its individual components are particularly original. It’s sadly let down from a lack of variety and consequently runs too long, unable to stay fresh or surprising enough to sustain its runtime. However, it’s a fun ride while it lasts, and it’s story is charming enough to be worth seeing through to the end.”

“The fact it’s also a really fun game about punching stuff is a bonus on top of an experience that’s just… well, I’ll say it again - Clash: Artifacts of Chaos is truly beautiful.”

“It’s cheap from both a visual and combat standpoint, it’s unpleasant to control, and the incentives for enduring multiple “runs” are among the worst rewards and unlocks I’ve ever seen. All it accomplished was getting me to replay Shredder’s Revenge and Streets of Rage 4, two games that completely embarrass this sorry little thing.”

“Aliens: Dark Descent is well designed and badly built. At once a brilliant collection of wonderfully presented ideas and a defective debacle, it could have genuinely been a Game of the Year contender were it not such a shambles. I love this game to the point of being enthralled. I’m angry at this game for costing me hours of progress. I adore what it so often is. I despise what it so often does.”

“Amnesia: The Bunker is a pleasant step up from its predecessor Rebirth, but it all too often falls into the problem many horror games have - resource management and monstrous harassment are balanced in such a way as to inspire annoyance more readily than fear. For much of its campaign, The Bunker is an absorbingly gloomy experience with a nice sense of rhythm to its progress and an effective illusion of dynamism in both its monster and environment. This is somewhat offset by enforced backtracking, a piddling inventory, and an embarrassingly rubbish flashlight. If it had expanded its promising ideas and balanced its threat-to-tedium ratio better, this could have been a fantastic experience. But, y’know, it didn’t do that.”